But I wouldn't know.
The journal I'm on had elections this evening, and I didn't win Editor-in-Chief, as I'd wanted. As I'd really, really wanted.
At first I felt really bad about it. I wanted that job, a lot. I tried to do whatever I could do get it, and come out tonight swinging for the fences in my speech. What bothered me most about not getting the position was not just that I didn't win, but that I felt I let myself down, giving my speech much too placidly and forgetting to mention an entire element I thought was pivotal to establish my qualifications. I can deal with not having things I can't control work out - it's the things I CAN control that turn out wrong that irritates me. I felt like I let myself down, and it added to my general sense of frustration that I can't quite execute on the things I need the way I need to. It also seems that if I have any political aspirations (and I do) I'm going to have to figure out how to give those good speeches, reliably and regularly. I think I know some basics on how to make them; now it's a matter of learning how to execute.
Oddly, however, the feeling has rather rapidly morphed into one of relief. There's a certain dysfunction to my journal, and it's strangely nice to know it's not really my problem. Even the elections were dysfunctional. Attendence was spotty, no one asked questions... It had an informality that didn't suit the importance of the position, or how seriously the candidates took it. It's entirely possible that even if I had gotten my speech off the way I wanted it still wouldn't have mattered. Of course, the other reason it wouldn't have mattered is because the other two candidates were extremely well-qualified. Had I not been running I would have been perfectly comfortable voting for either, so it really should have been a tight race.
Still, this whole episode turns my world up on its head. This job was something I really wanted to do, and now I'll need to come up with something else to take its place to give me the sense of accomplishment I seek. I shouldn't worry, though: my predilection for overstuffing my schedule will surely reveal itself once again.
Edit 4/2: I should mention that I'm not done with the journal. I do get to do some editorial work, having volunteered to be an article editor.