I can't believe how much last year took out of me. It didn't just take out energy; it took out enthusiasm. I remember my 1L days when I had hyper-puppy energy -- "Law! Law! Teach me! Law!" And now I'm more like a lazy, aged hound that just wants to lie in a heap in front of the TV.
Sadly, that's still not really an option. The semester may be done but I have a 40 (in theory) hour per week job to go to plus a side job that takes about 10 more hours a week, two major projects for my journal to work on, job hunting for next year to do, clerkship hunting to do, a personal commitment to get more exercise to follow-through on, next semester to coordinate (a bigger deal than normal since it involves another country), and, also in theory, a modicum of a social life to maintain (or perhaps I should say, "establish"). I've been in the Bay Area for more than three weeks now and I've only managed to see two friends so far. There's a lot more I'd like to see, but I'm afraid to even tell them that I'm in town because I'm not sure when I'd be able to find the time to see them anyway. Nearly every moment of my summer has been earmarked for some purpose or activity, and there's not a lot left to go around.
Now, some of those activities I really like. I like the swimming lessons, for example, and I also started playing soccer on Sundays. With that and the 2 miles I've been walking every day to/from BART, I'm excited to say that I'm starting to feel something resembling muscle tone return to my legs. But there's a few other activities I'd like to do (eg, bike riding) that I haven't been able to get started on yet.
Part of the problem is that even though physical health on its own seems like a worthy priority, it ends up paling to the panic of coordinating my legal future. Thus the burnout. Because it's not really burnout that's the problem; it's more like a form of resentment that this discipline is sucking away so much of my life and denying me balance. I don't begrudge throwing a huge portion of my energies into it - I'm extremely committed to being successful in this practice - but I mind HAVING to. I mind this passive pressure to perform perfectly and punctually on a schedule I have no control over in a system where I have even less. And I mind that I can't feel comfortable blowing off certain activities without feeling like I'm blowing off my entire career.
I don't know how to fix this other than just persevering. But I did want to explain and leave this breadcrumb of how I'm feeling right now on my blog, partly for posterity and partly to explain my absense. It's not that I want to neglect my blog - indeed, I find blogging an incredibly pleasurable and surprisingly recharging activity - but at the end of the day there's nothing left to give to it. There's not enough air left in my lungs to fan the little sparks of inspiration into full-blown ideas, and I really miss doing that.
In fact, perhaps the only reason I'm able to post today is because I took the day off.