The Great Change: Turning Cathy into a Lawyer

Yesterday while still in New Jersey I got my teeth cleaned. I went to the same dentist I've been seeing since I was four, although he's recently expanded his practice and added another dentist, and it was the new dentist who saw me.

In between scrapings and rinsings I explained my situation to the new dentist. "I lived in California a while, so sometimes I see a dentist I have there. It depends where I am when I need a cleaning." It's true; there's a dentist out there I've been seeing off and on since 1997 or so. I just saw him this summer in fact.

But it is nice to be able to still go back to a practice where I've been a patient for so long - since 1978! I mentioned this to the new guy. "And so you reward him by cheating on him with another dentist?" he joked, referring to the California one.

It was very silly, but there's a more serious issue underlying the dental-care one. Wherever you live you root yourself into that community. You learn the lay of the land, where things are. You learn the neighborhood, the transport system. You build a network of friends and a network of the other people you need to support your life: mechanics. Doctors. And, of course, dentists.

The problem is, if you try to be connected to more than one place, in some ways you end up not connected to anywhere. And more and more I feel ready to become connected and rooted to SOMEwhere. My nomadic impulses seem to be quieting. So now it's just a question of deciding where that place will be.

It's a tough decision, and one I'll have to face in a matter of mere weeks: do I want to go back to California, or do I want to stay here (in New Jersey)?

With the exception of law school, I've spent almost my entire adult life in California. I know the area, I have friends, I have doctors and dentists, and probably more professional contacts there than anywhere else.

Only I'm not sure I want to stay there. I like it there, but I'm not sure I want to spend forever there. I've never wanted to spend forever there. As an undergrad in Berkeley people always used to ask me if I would return to NJ after graduation or stay there, and there was never any question in my mind that I would stay there. I'd moved to California and was serious about starting a life there. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, I never thought that I'd settle down there forever, with a house and kids and all... I think I always subconsciously felt I'd go back to New Jersey for that.

That was fine, though - I was young and with plenty of time to enjoy life in California before having to make any big decisions about those kinds of things.

Unfortunately, time appears to be running out. I'm ten years older now, and will be 32 years old when I graduate and begin my new career. I don't have a lot of time anymore to futz around, trying out living in places where I'm not necessarily serious about staying.

The question is, am I really serious about not staying in California? And if so, just where am I serious about staying?

It's a question that keeps me up nights, largely because I'm being forced to make a decision I'm not quite ready to make. The reason: I have to sign up to take the bar. And soon. But which one?

California's, where I have lots of contacts? Or New Jersey's, where every time I'm here I more and more feel like I'm home? (If it seems that I might give away the answer through the way I ask the questions, bear in mind that the aforementioned questions are but just two considerations. It takes a lot more questions and answers in order to come up with a decision I can be confident with.)

If I already had a job lined up, my decision would be made for me. I'd just take the bar where the job was. Since I don't, I have to commit NOW to where it is that I will look for the job. Sign up for the California bar and commit to getting a job there, or take the New York/New Jersey bars and commit to getting a job here.

At this point, practical considerations seem to be directing the decision more than any existential soul searching is. If I sit for the California bar, I can ONLY sit for the California bar. Whereas if I sit for New York, I can also sit for New Jersey at the same time. Two states for one, thus upping the odds that I'll likely be able to practice SOMEWHERE by the time the results come out.

So at the moment that's what I'm thinking about doing. I think it makes sense. But I resent being forced into making a decision with tremendous long term implications before I'm ready, just because of this issue. Consequently, I'm also thinking about taking the California bar in February no matter what happens. I want my cake and eat it too, or at least I want to keep my options open. Even if I do end up staying in New Jersey, I'm still deeply and permanently connected to California. I wouldn't want there to be a barrier to my being able to work there someday if I felt the desire, whether that desire occurred next year or thirty years from now.

In the meantime, with my teeth all clean I'm planning to head soon back up to Boston, where I'm sure I DON'T want to stay. Nice place to have spent some time and get an education, but it's clearly not the place for me to settle down. Why I don't even have a dentist there...