I hope this isn't how it's going to be all week. I tossed and turned all night, and for the final insult, the last dream I had before I woke up was one of those very realistic feeling dreams, the kind that when you wake up it takes you a while to recognize were not real, and in this dream I got my bar results, and I hadn't passed.
Actually, the dream was more irritating than that. They gave me some papers, and I couldn't figure out what they meant. Did I pass? What did they say? What was all this information?
For some reason this dream took place with me sitting in a very similar place as the actual test, in a seat at a long row of tables. Proctors then came around to help everyone figure out all their paperwork. They were very nice, and very gentle, but as my proctor started flipping through my papers, she murmurred, "You did very well. But not quite well enough."
Figures. Because if I don't actually pass it's not because I'm going to go out in a blaze of stupidity. I know I put up a good fight. But was it good enough? This keeps me up nights...
There's no shame in not passing, my conscious mind tries to remind the rest of me. I had at least three friends who didn't pass the California bar, and I don't usually hang out in the company of idiots so we're talking intelligent people here. And I did pass NY, I did pass NJ, and I *am* already a lawyer, dammit...
But I want to be a lawyer here! I want to be able to stay on my houseboat, have a career, enjoy what the Bay Area has to offer. I'm afraid if I don't pass, economically it won't make sense to keep trying to make this work, and I'll need to move back east, where I know I can actually be a lawyer. It's just a damn test, that doesn't worry me; it's the implications of its results on the rest of my life that are causing my sleepless nights.
Anyway, there's only a week of insomnia left to go. I find out my fate on Friday, and in a feat of either marvelously appropriate or incredibly stupid scheduling, at a Huey Lewis and the News concert no less. I really really really hope I don't end up bursting into tears at this one...