I think I need to put myself on a regimen. Like a blog post a day, or something like that. Because I'm finding it really hard lately to scrounge these posts together.
For one thing, I'm working a lot, partly because the work requires it and partly because my bank account does. The bar exam and CLEs were devastating financially, both in terms of their own costs and in their prevention of me from fully working. So I'm putting in long hours to catch up. Unfortunately by the time I get home I just feel like turning off my brain, not revving it up to blog.
But I think it's because I've gotten out of the rhythm of regular blogging that it's been requiring so much effort. Blogging tends to beget more blogging, where I can queue up thoughts in my head and fairly effortlessly get them down on the page. But right now it's not so effortless, and I miss that.
Also complicating matters is that I feel like I'm being held back by some indecision about where I want to go, both in terms of my life generally and this blog specifically. With bar exams behind me (hopefully forever) and finally some working experience, I feel like I've reached a new plateau in the Great Change. Important changes are now happening to me as part of it - yet I find myself not wanting to talk about them. Part of that is because I think I'm growing a little bored with telling my story. What I want to do is seize my ethos and write more substantive essays. The navel-gazing is getting tedious, but since I committed to telling the story honestly a lot of it comes with the territory.
Then there's also the concern that with too much transparency I could show my hand in a way that would be disadvantageous. It does occur to me that as I plan the path of my life I should probably play my cards a little closer to my chest than my story-telling instincts are generally inclined to do. This sense is further heightened by the tinge of negativity my thoughts lately have been taking. This stage I've reached may in fact be the most profound moment of my Great Change, because I can finally feel my PollyAnna idealism being chipped away. I think maybe I will talk about that. In fact I think I should talk about that because I think it reflects the defects of this legal industry more than it reflects any defects in me. In other areas of my life I'm actually not all that negative, but there are clearly some systemic issues with the practice of law that are destructive and they should be exposed. But if I'm going to bitch and moan publicly, I'd like to do it with reason and composure, and I fear I'm still too justifiably frustrated, and busy, to easily muster either.
I do, however, really like entertaining through my blog. Forget the legal aspect, I really like crafting language into something enjoyable to read, no matter what the topic. So if I have to forgo the serious topics for a while maybe that's just what I'll do and not worry about it. I'll write about whatever pleases me because it does, and then later use that momentum to write about the important things too.