Jan 242008

No, this is not some abdication of my feminist, independent spirit. It’s the result of some musing that led to the realization that there really isn’t anyone in my life I can truly confide in. Sure, there are plenty of people I completely trust, but none of these relationships are such that someone couldn’t later try to discover the contents of my conversations with them. I don’t mean that any of these people would freely blab about what we talked about if they were asked; I mean that they could legally be compelled to do it.

There are few people one can truly confide in without worrying about possible compelled disclosure later on. Though the examples vary slightly from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, typical examples of confidential relationships include those with lawyers, therapists, and clergy. Of course, the first two relationships usually cost money to establish and maintain, and within all of these professional relationships the range of topics you might be able or inclined to discuss is probably narrower than the full scope of what you might want to talk about within the more natural relationships you have with emotional intimates like friends or family. However, no matter how close you might be to any of these friends and family, your relationships with them are legally vulnerable. The only exception is a spouse, as only with spousal privilege can a relationship with an emotional intimate be protected against forced disclosure.

Hence the conclusion that I need a husband. Not today of course; there’s nothing on my mind that would be of any interest to any adverse party, I don’t think. But I did realize that it would be good to have someone to talk to with whom this would never be a concern. Thus the need for a husband, an emotional intimate in whose confidence I could truly be confident.

While the concern is hypothetical for me now, I can see how for others it could be a big deal, especially for people who do their best thinking out loud by bouncing their decisions off of someone they trust. If there’s any possibility that these decisions could lead to legal liability – which, given today’s litigious society could happen for just about anything – then people with spouses are much better off than those without them, having the benefits of both less liability exposure as well as the ability to speak with the greater candor that privileged communication enables. Or, conversely, the people without spouses are at a greater disadvantage than those who have them. While married people get a legally-protected confident built into their lives, unmarried people do not, and it could matter.

Perhaps we can say this is a perfectly fine result, that people who do not choose to marry should not have all the same benefits as those who do. But that ignores the reality that many people can’t marry their emotional intimate, or that some people are not so lucky in love as to ever have an emotional intimate they could possibly marry. It further essentially forces those who might otherwise not have been so inclined to marry, simply so they can get the equivalent benefit of a protected confidant.

So do we really want to say that this is a perfectly fine result? While we wouldn’t want all relevant testimony to be locked up, it may not advance society to deprive so many people of the benefits of a truly candid relationship with a confidant. Or, worse, to only allow this privilege to some.

 Posted by at 8:41 am

  178 Responses to “I need a husband”

  1. In Israel an unmarried man and woman were about to go on trial on a petty drug charge. The man took the woman out in the hall, gave her his watch in front of two witnesses, and said the Jewish betrothal formula. They were then legally married and the woman could not be forced to testify against the man, or vice versa.
    True story. Making religious marriage ceremonies legally binding in the US without a marriage license probably isn’t feasible, but that episode does speak to the value of having a “protected confidant” like you describe.
    Wow…I’m the first commenter on your new blog! You should trash the Red Sox and see how long before Mikey makes an appearance.

  2. You can always share things with your therapist.
    Also, I used to know a temp at my old computer job (why are contract programmers always so weird) who says he is married but only for tax reasons. He and his “wife” live in two different cities and lead totally separate lives.

  3. Was there ever such a thing as “common law not-married” that would invalidate computer temp’s marriage? I’m guessing not.

  4. Well in CA if you physically moved out and formed an intent to not resume the marriage, your marriage ends for community property purposes.

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  162. I’m a third year civil engineer student in Adama University ,By now I have not any girl friend.But now I’m interested to have Ethiopian beauty GOD feared girl(age 18-24) that can helps me by economy till I will be graduated.I live with her in all of my life with good true love.(emailabrehamasirat@yahoo.com)phone no.0912811909

  163. i need agirlfriend to marry now.

  164. Dearest soulmate!!!
    How are you doing? I cant help but say you are beautiful, you are a pure dublicate of an angel, I am really amazed at your beauty. I am Williams Armstrong, am 44years old, successful business man. a native of uk living in Holland, now in US on Bissuness I am currently a single, some years ago. I really don’t have much to say about my self except I am being asked. I really will love to hear from you. You can add me to your yahoo IM, (williams.armstrong44@yahoo.com. Kindly send me yours so i can add you too…
    You are beautiful, Cheers till i hear from you.
    I wait with curiosity to hear from you.
    Williams Armstrong

  165. when you reply me,is then i will know what to say

  166. my name is Austine from nigeria,i need a wife,i’m 28 years old,mail taustine@yahoo.com

  167. Nice to meet real lover. arewa1979@yahoo.com +2348032289085

  168. I need a wife. from any part of europe. But she must be a christain, good looking tall or average hight. big or average boobs and God fearing.
    If you are interested contact me on +2347031316082

  169. I want Dele Zeblon from Canada to be my wife

  170. i need a wife but b/4 i make my comment, i will like see yr picture or see you face to face use my email to contact me.ugojasper1@yahoo.com +2347030890021;+2347053347518

  171. mamudu rahina is my name,and i need man who i will my husband in the nearst future,pls i need a white man,a man that can take a very good care of me,a man that can proved all my needs,a man that will give me respact has a woman,a also has is wife,a man that can be able to performs his duties has man without me telling him or asking him to do so.and also a man that will love,care and understanding for me,a man that will be my advacer,a teacher ,mother,father my everything in this world.

  172. Although there are many Christians today, we see that many of them in fact only attend church on Sundays, and no clear standard and Word of salvation is found in their hearts. But Jesus said, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God” (John 3:5).

  173. i need a trustworthy woman from European mostly divorce u can contact me on my mobile +2348036843017

  174. hey, i am mark, i am a male from ghana west africa, i am a student of kwame nkrumah university of science and technology ghana west africa. my hobby is accountant to be a real man of ghana. well there is a say that good friends are hard to find, and i will know as u hav read my profile, well i will be much grateful id u could consider me as ur pal, so as to share ideas and words. hoping to hear from u soon, u can as well hit me up on markAthonylove@yahoo.com anytime u care to chat. i speak english.”

  175. Am emmanuel i need a serious girl.not a looser.but 4rm rich family.4 a marriage.am studio engineer.if you move with d guy of my cacus.kindly reply dis mail-{emmycoolnija@yahoo.com}or 2348132244683

  176. Dearest soulmate!!!
    How are you doing? I cant help but say you are beautiful, you are a pure dublicate of an angel, I am really amazed at your beauty. I am FESTUS WISON, am 45years old, successful business man. a native of uk living in Holland, now in US on Bissuness I am currently a single, some years ago. I really don’t have much to say about my self except I am being asked. I really will love to hear from you. You can add me to your yahoo IM, (festuswison12@gmail.com. Kindly send me yours so i can add you too…
    You are beautiful, Cheers till i hear from you.
    I wait with curiosity to hear from you.

  177. Angel of my dreams!

    I see that are you in need of a husband. By chance, I happen to be perfect a candidate. I have studied the women of your country for long time. I know you like the men to read and know the romantic novel. The men to sweep your off feet and treat you like you’re Dawn Won. You want man to be the one wearing pants in family, so I no more wear kilt. You Americon women I hear that you hate men who say you only good to be “bear foot and preggers”. You will love me. I make sure you wear socks! I am hearing about mail order brides. I order catalogue of you Americon women, and picked one. She looked an Angel, just like you. When I open package from Victoria Secret, she disappear and only is clothing in box. I keep look for her until today, when I see my Angel in you. I read how Americen women like a husband that makes them laugh. You will love me. On internet I find page showing tickle your feet with feather. I am now much skilled in art of “tickling”. I watch Gilligan’s Island. You live near where Minnow launched. Also, I live on Island. If you take trip on a second Minnow, land on my island and I can have you! You will love my island. No coconuts or bananas grow here with Sitka Spruce. Such lovely goddess with voice like song bird often no give me time of day. Please call! (907) 486-4171. You make me happiest man alive. Tears will run down face, so happy.

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